Terminal Sadness

When you have 16 weeks of unpaid maternity leave, you are grateful that you can afford to take them. But secretly the whole time, you are very aware of what day it is and how much longer you have left of this precious, precious time to actually be a mom everyday, all day. To know the ins and outs of all the things happening in your child's life. To see every smile, every tear, every tantrum. To hear every coo, every new word, every "conversation" with Elmo in their crib.

I have a little less than two weeks until my 16 weeks are up. I feel terminally sad at all I am going to miss in their lives, all that I will not see everyday, and all that they will miss receiving from me. Because as much as having a wonderful nanny is wonderful, it's never the same as having the parent there. We are blessed to have the most wonderful nanny on Capitol Hill, and I think of her like a second mom, but still, I yearn to be there. I yearn to be the one raising my kids.

When my daughter was born, I took 7 weeks off and returned to work. When my son was born, I took 16 weeks. This second maternity leave is the most amount of time I have ever spent with my daughter and I have to say, she is really pretty awesome and blossoming into an amazing toddler everyday. I learn something from her or about her everyday. Little details that only the person closest to her will get to see or know everyday. Like today, for instance, when I caught her telling Elmo "night night" and tucking him in in her crib when I put her down for a nap. These sweet, uninterrupted, intimate moments captured on the video monitor for only me to see. I know her scent, and I can smell it before I even open the door to her room. I know how it feels when I embrace her when she is happy and how it feels when I embrace her when she is sad or scared or crying. I now know this child.

My son is a wonderfully bright baby of 3 1/2 months. His smile delights me. His coos and aaahhs thrill me. I know the difference between his hungry cry, his wet cry and his overtired cry. I can't imagine that anyone will be able to help him explore the world in the same way that I could, if I could afford to stay home. I can't imagine how different it will be in two weeks when he is in his exersaucer learning how to bounce and I am not there to cheer him on. Will he know what an accomplishment he has made? Will he know that I am proud of him and that I love him?

It sounds ridiculous I am sure. But it's hard. It's like an emotional tusnami. You don't know that this is how you are going to end up feeling until you are at the point of no return. I love my kids deeply. So much that it hurts. They are my heart walking around outside of my body.


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Location:My Heart

Toilet Paper, And Please Overnight It, Thanks.

Is it pathetic that I just ordered a 12 pack of toilet paper on amazon.com? It's only Monday of this week and already it feels like the to do list is piling up. My husband informed me that we might need toilet paper. *Might* because usually he tells me we need something - "We need mayonnaise," and generally that is because he hasn't "really" looked for the thing he is telling me we need. Everyone knows that most of the time if you move a few items in the fridge, like say the gallon container of milk, you will find what you are looking for. Also, anything he ever seems to need or think we are out of is generally found in close proximity to the ketchup. So tonight, as I double checked is toilet paper request, I find that he is correct. We do need toilet paper. There is none in the storage closet, and alas, there is none next to the ketchup.

This is significant to me on many levels. To my husband, it is significant on only one level: He is right. For me, I am the person that comes home from Target or the grocery store with 100 items more than I went for because I had a coupon and these 100 items, unbeknownst to me prior to arriving to the store, were actually on sale while I was there. I cannot resist the temptation to get a good deal and stock up ahead of time. I've never been sorry that I've had 68 rolls of paper towels in my itty bitty storage closet on Capitol Hill. In fact, I've usually been more amazed at how quickly these mundane items get depleted. Once I was actually sure that the nanny MUST be taking some of these items for her own house. Thus, for me to not have at least one pack of toilet paper in the entire house, and for me to not know this ahead of time, well folks, it's just simply amazing.

So, until the order from amazon.com shows up on my door step tomorrow, we'll all be using baby wipes. That is, unless I am almost out of those too.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Capitol Hill, Washington, DC